We Are Always Saying Goodbye
Many of life’s changes carry a farewell within them, whether large or small. A childhood friend moving away, the end of our school year summers, unrequited love or the end of a relationship, moving, changing jobs, a change in our health, or losing a cherished community—all of these can set a grieving process in motion. Even joyful transitions, such as marriage, the birth of a child, or starting a new job, may involve letting go of an earlier chapter of our lives.
At such times, it is not only our circumstances that change. We must rediscover who we are in a world that is no longer the same as it was before.
The death of someone we love dearly, however, tends to affect us with elemental force. We may feel not only lost, but utterly unequipped to cope. The complexity of our emotions—and the way so many of them can arise at once—may become overwhelming. We may find ourselves wondering: How long will this last, and how can I go on living in this new reality?
The Inner Landscapes of Grief
There is no universal map of grief. Its inner landscapes are constantly changing: at times we are adrift on a stormy sea; at others, we cross a barren plain, enter a forest filled with memories, or search through dense fog for the next step.
Sometimes grief feels like a turbulent sea. We struggle against the elements, carrying as much anger within us as there is in the foaming waves. We may be angry with the person who died, with those who remain, with doctors, circumstances, the injustice of life, God, or ourselves. Again and again, we may revisit what we did, what we failed to do, what we said, and what we no longer had the chance to say.
On other days, we move through a barren, lunar landscape. Every step requires effort, and wherever we look, all we can see is the absence. Things that once felt effortless—getting out of bed, eating, working, paying attention to others, or simply making it through the day—may suddenly become difficult. At times, we may feel nothing at all. This emptiness or numbness is not an absence of love; often, it is a sign that the loss is still too immense to take in all at once.
At times, we find ourselves in the forest of memories. A photograph, a scent, a gesture, a familiar phrase, or a song can suddenly bring the person we have lost very close. Alongside the pain, there may also be gratitude, love, and even moments of lightness. We may remember an embrace, a laugh, or a shared moment that once seemed insignificant but now feels beyond price. Remembering can hurt and comfort us at the same time.
At other times, we are surrounded by fog. We cannot see where the path leads, and we cannot imagine what life with this loss will look like. Perhaps there is only enough light for the next step. Sometimes that is enough: getting out of bed, drinking a glass of water, calling someone, or simply making it through the next hour.
These landscapes do not appear in any prescribed order. We may return to a place we already know, and we may pass through several different states in the course of a single day. In grief, the task is not always to find a way out. Sometimes it is simply to stay with whatever is present.
When Time Falls Out of Step
Our minds arrange the world around the familiar landmarks of a predictable life. Loss unsettles that balance. The same streets, personal spaces, and people surround us, yet everything has changed. The world continues to move forward outside us, while within us time seems to stand still.
The passage of time in grief is uneven. A single hour may feel endless; at other times, we are startled to realise that weeks or months have passed. An anniversary, a birthday, a holiday, or an ordinary memory can suddenly intensify the sense of absence once again. This is not necessarily a setback. We may simply have touched another layer of what we have lost.
There is no universal answer to how long grief lasts. It cannot be fitted to a calendar, and it rarely moves in a straight line. It takes time and patience to create new paths through a changed life. Just as everything is continually changing, grief also changes within us—and changes us in the process.
The Many Faces of Grief
Grief is not only sadness. It may contain anger, fear, loneliness, guilt, love, gratitude, relief, shame- myriads of sentiments. After a long illness or period of suffering, for example, we may feel relieved—and then immediately become frightened by that feeling:
How can I feel this way when someone has died?
We may feel exhausted, irritable, restless, confused, or indifferent. We may cry often, or we may find ourselves unable to cry at all. Some people cannot bear to be alone; others long to withdraw. Some need to tell the story of what happened again and again; others cannot find the words. A memory may make us laugh, only for our throat to tighten with grief a moment later. Reactions that seem contradictory can exist within us at the same time.
Our thoughts may also follow unfamiliar paths. We may replay a final conversation or a moment in hospital, imagine what might have happened if things had unfolded differently, or search desperately for a reason or meaning. Loss can shake our faith, our sense of safety, and our understanding of who we are. Questions may arise within us:
Who am I now that this person is gone? What will life be like from now on? What will become of the plans we made together? Who will understand the stories that only the two of us knew?
Loss, then, is not only the absence of someone or something. It is also the experience of having to find our place again in a changed world.
We Do Not Have to Give Every Feeling an Immediate Meaning
We do not need to decide whether we are grieving “well” or “badly,” nor do we have to choose which of our feelings are acceptable. We can be sad and grateful at the same time. We may miss someone while also feeling relief that a difficult relationship has come to an end. We may have a good day, only to feel guilty about it that evening.
Joy Is Not a Betrayal
A smile does not mean that we loved the person we lost any less. A lighter day does not mean that our grief is over. Nor is it a lack of love if, for a moment, our thoughts are not with the person who died.
Absence and an affirmation of life are not opposites. Tears and laughter, remembrance and the present moment, pain and temporary peace can all exist side by side.
When Something Else Begins to Emerge
Grief rarely changes because we wake up one morning and the pain is suddenly gone. More often, it changes gradually. The absence may not disappear, but over time it can come to occupy a different place within us. A song that once brought only tears may one day make us smile as well. A story that was initially unbearable to recall may later bring warmth.
New insights may also emerge: a deeper gratitude for the time we shared, greater sensitivity to the pain of others, or a clearer understanding of what truly matters to us. Loss, however, does not have to become a “gift.” We do not have to find something good in it, nor must we search for a lesson at all costs. Sometimes it simply hurts—and that alone is reason enough to treat ourselves with gentleness.
One of grief’s deepest paradoxes is that, while we must learn to live without someone, we may also slowly learn how to carry forward everything they gave us. The form of the relationship changes, but its meaning can remain with us.
Important to knowThe content on this website is intended to provide information, reflection and emotional support. It is not a substitute for personalised care from a psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other qualified professional, nor for medical treatment when this is needed.
If the pain of loss feels increasingly difficult to carry alone, please do not remain isolated. Share what you are experiencing with someone you trust and consider seeking professional support. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but an important act of care towards yourself.
