For a long time, grief was understood primarily as a gradual process of detachment. Many earlier psychological models suggested that healing required the bereaved person to distance themselves emotionally from the person who had died, bring the relationship to “closure,” and eventually redirect their love and attention towards new relationships.
This perspective did not reflect the lived experience of many grieving people. Even years or decades after a loss, people may continue to speak to the person who died in their thoughts, keep certain belongings, remember their advice, mark their birthday, or ask themselves before an important decision: “What would they say to me now?”
In the past, such experiences were sometimes interpreted as signs that grief had become stalled or that the bereaved person had failed to detach. The theory of continuing bonds offers a different understanding: maintaining an inner relationship with someone who has died does not necessarily hinder adjustment. On the contrary, some forms of connection may provide comfort, continuity and meaning.
The Emergence of the Continuing Bonds Perspective
One of the foundational works behind this approach is Dennis Klass, Phyllis R. Silverman and Steven L. Nickman’s 1996 volume, Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Drawing on the experiences of bereaved adults and children, the authors showed that death does not necessarily end a relationship; rather, it changes the nature of that relationship.
At the time, this represented a significant shift in thinking. The aim of grieving was no longer understood solely as emotional detachment, but also as discovering how the memory of the person who died might become part of the bereaved person’s changed life. The emphasis moved away from “letting go” and towards transforming the relationship and finding a personal meaning within the loss. Routledge – Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief
This perspective also recognises that grief cannot be understood only as an inner psychological process. Family traditions, religious and spiritual beliefs, and cultural customs all shape the ways in which we remember and remain connected to those who have died.
What Does a Continuing Bond Really Mean?
A continuing bond does not mean denying the reality of death or attempting to live as though nothing has happened. In its supportive form, it allows two realities to exist side by side:
- the recognition that the person we love is no longer physically present;
- the experience that the meaning, memory and influence of the relationship remain part of our lives.
The relationship may gradually move from an outer presence to an inner one. We can no longer hear the person’s voice in the room, but we may remember how they encouraged us. We cannot ask them for new advice, but from everything we knew about them, we may be able to imagine what they would consider important. We cannot create new shared memories, yet we can carry forward what they gave us.
The bond may take shape through memories, dreams, symbolic conversations, stories, family traditions, meaningful objects or values that characterised the person’s life. It does not have to be a religious or spiritual experience. It may simply be a form of remembrance, gratitude and inner connection.
Why Can This Perspective Feel Liberating?
It Does Not Rush Us to Let Go
Grieving people are often met with phrases such as “It’s time to move on,” “You have to let go,” or “You need to start thinking about the future.” Even when spoken with good intentions, these words can be painful because they may suggest that love and remembrance should have an expiry date.
The continuing bonds perspective allows someone to turn towards life again without denying their past. In this sense, moving forward does not mean moving away from the person who died. It means continuing through a life in which that person’s memory may still have a meaningful place.
It Can Preserve a Sense of Identity and Continuity
Our relationships shape the way we understand ourselves. When we lose a parent, partner, child, sibling or friend, we lose not only the person, but also a part of our shared life—and part of our own identity is inevitably transformed.
Consciously preserving the values, words, habits and life lessons we received from the person who died can help connect life before the loss with life after it. The question is not only, “Who am I without them?” but also, “What did they give me that I can continue to carry forward?”
It Can Support the Search for Meaning
Research by Robert A. Neimeyer and his colleagues suggests that the effect of continuing bonds may be connected to the extent to which a grieving person can make sense of the loss and integrate it into their life story. The bond itself does not necessarily reduce pain. It is more likely to become supportive when accompanied by meaning-making and a gradual acknowledgement of the reality of the death. Neimeyer, Baldwin and Gillies: Continuing Bonds and Reconstructing Meaning
Finding meaning does not mean claiming that the death “was meant to happen,” nor does it require us to search for a positive lesson. It may instead involve a gradual understanding of how the relationship and the loss have changed us, what we want to preserve, and how we might continue living with all that has happened.
It Can Ease Feelings of Isolation
It can be particularly painful when the people around us stop mentioning the name of the person who died. Sharing stories, remembering together and creating family rituals can convey an important message: this person remains part of our shared story, and we do not have to carry their memory alone.
It Can Give Voice to Unfinished Feelings
Most relationships leave behind words that were never spoken, questions that were never answered, or feelings that remain unresolved. Inner dialogue, letter-writing and other symbolic practices can create space not only for love and gratitude, but also for anger, disappointment, guilt and regret.
The aim is not to rewrite the past, but to acknowledge that the full story of a relationship may contain many different—and sometimes contradictory—emotions.
How Can a Relationship Be Preserved in a New Form?
There is no single practice that will feel right for everyone. What comforts one person may feel premature, unfamiliar or overwhelming to another. The following suggestions are invitations, not tasks that must be completed.
Keepsakes and Memory Boxes
A memory box can be created from photographs, letters, personal belongings, recipes or other small mementos. There is no need to keep everything. We can choose the objects that genuinely hold something meaningful from the relationship for us.
Writing a Letter to the Person Who Died
We may write down everything we still wish we could say: our love, longing, anger, questions or gratitude. Later—if it feels natural and emotionally safe—we might also write an imagined response based on what we knew of the person, their character and the relationship we shared.
This is not an attempt to communicate an actual message from the deceased. It is a reflective exercise that may help us connect with the internalised memory of the relationship.
Inner Dialogue
During a difficult moment, we might ask ourselves:
What would they say to me now?
How might they encourage me?
What did I learn from them that could help me in this situation?
Which of their values would I like to carry forward?
Through this inner dialogue, the person’s influence may become an internal source of strength, while decisions remain grounded in the reality of our present life and continue to be our own.
Personal Rituals of Remembrance
We might light a candle on an anniversary, listen to a song we once shared, prepare the person’s favourite meal, visit a meaningful place, or spend a few quiet minutes with their memory.
A ritual can offer a gentle framework for remembrance. It may give grief a time and place of its own, rather than leaving the pain to arrive unexpectedly and without form.
Passing On the Story of a Life
We can speak about the person to children and younger members of the family, write down their stories, or create a shared photo album, video collection or digital memorial page. This can be especially meaningful for those who were too young to form lasting memories of their own.
Legacy Projects
A person’s memory may also live on through what we do. We might continue supporting a cause that mattered to them, contribute to a community, care for a garden, establish a memorial fund, or make a conscious effort to embody a value they taught us.
A legacy project does not need to be ambitious. Preparing a family recipe or passing on a small kindness learned from them can be just as meaningful.
Creative Expression
Drawing, painting, music, collage, journalling or poetry can give shape to experiences that are difficult to express directly. The purpose is not artistic achievement, but a personal expression of the relationship, the absence and the act of remembering.
Remembering as a Family
Members of a family may be grieving the same person, yet each has lost a different and unique relationship. Sharing stories can help family members understand these differences and discover new aspects of the person’s life.
It is equally important to respect those who are not yet ready to talk, look at photographs or take part in a ritual. Connection should never become an expectation or obligation.
Working with Continuing Bonds in Therapy
In grief therapy, continuing-bonds work may include narrative exercises, guided imagery, symbolic dialogue, the “empty-chair” technique, rituals of remembrance or an exploration of the legacy left by the person who died.
A trained professional can offer a safe framework for these approaches, particularly when the death was traumatic or when the relationship involved serious conflict, abuse, guilt or unresolved hurt. Robert A. Neimeyer and Edith Maria Steffen provide a detailed practical overview of these therapeutic possibilities in their book Working with Continuing Bonds in Grief Therapy.
Not Every Bond Brings Comfort
An important insight from contemporary research is that a continuing bond is not inherently helpful or harmful. According to a systematic review, an inner relationship with the person who died may be comforting, neutral or distressing. Its effect depends on the nature of the relationship, the circumstances of the death, the stage of grief, and the way in which the bond fits into the bereaved person’s life. Hewson and colleagues: The Impact of Continuing Bonds Following Bereavement
Maintaining the connection is more likely to be supportive when it:
- offers comfort or inner strength;
- can be shaped freely and flexibly;
- coexists with an acknowledgement of the reality of the death;
- supports remembrance and meaning-making;
- does not persistently obstruct present relationships and responsibilities;
- allows the bereaved person to turn towards life again at their own pace.
The bond may become burdensome when it is dominated by fear, compulsion, overwhelming guilt or traumatic imagery; when someone feels that living fully, experiencing joy or forming new relationships would amount to “betraying” the person who died; or when remembrance persistently makes everyday life unmanageable.
Following a death by suicide, continuing bonds may be especially complex. Alongside love, there may be intense anger, shame, self-blame and unanswered questions. A systematic review found that these bonds may offer support, but can also sustain considerable distress. Professional support may therefore be particularly valuable following this kind of loss. Goodall and colleagues: Continuing Bonds after Loss by Suicide
Sensing the Presence of the Person Who Died
During grief, some people may feel as though the person who died is close by. They may seem to hear their voice, notice a familiar scent, have vivid dreams about them, or briefly believe they have seen them. Such experiences do not necessarily indicate a mental health disorder, and they may be understood differently depending on a person’s cultural or spiritual background.
There is no need, however, to give them a supernatural explanation, and no one should feel pressured to search for “signs.” If an experience is frightening, threatening or commanding, encourages dangerous behaviour, or significantly disrupts everyday life, it is advisable to speak with a psychologist, psychiatrist or physician.
Four Questions That May Help You Find Your Way
If you are unsure whether a particular form of remembrance is supporting you, you might gently ask yourself:
Does this connection mostly steady me, or does it repeatedly leave me feeling overwhelmed?
Am I choosing it freely, or do I feel compelled to do it?
Does it help me live with the reality of the loss, or does it keep me apart from that reality?
Is there still room alongside it for my present life, relationships and needs?
There are no answers that apply to every person or every situation. A ritual that feels comforting one month may feel too painful at another time. The form of the bond can change as grief itself changes.
Not Forgetting, but Learning to Connect Differently
The continuing bonds perspective does not promise that the pain of loss will disappear. Over time, however, the relationship may find a new language. Physical presence may become memory, conversation may become inner dialogue, and shared plans may become values carried forward. The absence remains, but gratitude, love and the recognition of how profoundly the relationship shaped us may slowly find a place beside it.
Important to KnowThe ideas and practices described here are intended for information, reflection and emotional support. They are not a substitute for personalised psychological, psychiatric, psychotherapeutic or medical care.
References
- Klass, D., Silverman, P. R. & Nickman, S. L. (eds.): Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis, 1996. Publisher’s overview
- Klass, D. & Steffen, E. M. (eds.): Continuing Bonds in Bereavement: New Directions for Research and Practice. Routledge, 2018. Academic book review
- Neimeyer, R. A., Baldwin, S. A. & Gillies, J.: “Continuing Bonds and Reconstructing Meaning: Mitigating Complications in Bereavement.” Death Studies, 2006. PubMed
- Hewson, H. et al.: “The Impact of Continuing Bonds Following Bereavement: A Systematic Review.” Death Studies, 2024. Full article
- Goodall, R. et al.: “Continuing Bonds after Loss by Suicide: A Systematic Review.” International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 2022. Full article
- Neimeyer, R. A. & Steffen, E. M.: Working with Continuing Bonds in Grief Therapy: A Practical Guide. Routledge, 2026. Publisher’s overview
